6/3/24: why can't i let myself feel? this has to be okay, nothing is wrong, but for some reason, with every breath i take and with every second i continue to exist, it feels like i am defying, everything? my values, those of the ones i love, where even am i in my heart? i miss when things used to be more clear. my fingers ache to give myself what i need, my heart yearns to treat myself right, but there's not much i can do in this moment. other than let myself ache, yearn, breathe, ferment in my confusion.

i wasn't taking my mental health seriously for a while. i probably still am not, but i am putting more effort. even typing this it's just so hard to convince myself that how i feel matters, that its okay it's fucking okay to put energy into breaking down my thoughts and all. but holy shit, is it all really going to be okay?

11/20/23: well.. i'm 21 now. a lot has changed since my last entry on here. looking back at my last entries, they seem pretty messy, in terms of, well, everything. but i won't modify or delete them, afterall, this is a safe space for me. there is a lot. a lot always happens in short amounts of time, and i often am numb and dissociating. it's hard for me be here now. i look down so many times to not recognize anything at all. i've got to change this right?

9/25/23 it's been a while.. again.. i havent updated my site in over a month now, maybe i need to redo it entirely because it doesn't appeal as much to me now HAHA yeah. i kinda fucked it up and just left it as is bc i dont care 2 update ALSO ive been playing omori and i love it beyond what my heart can express! im half happy half confused and distraught but i guess it balances out.

9/13.5/23 I LOVW YOU. i feel so much towards you. it does hurt.. please understand how much i feel it is such an intense pool of things i cannot comprehend it is beyond me. ask me who i am, i will respond with a. "reflection of you"... oh i love you beyond what i. know. thank you.

9/13/23 OH mysweet does it hurt i ache i ache i ache beyond what icould Express compare what is there to compare tthis to? mt fingers struggle My Fingers Struggle Oh Mother Can you hEAR ME MOTHER!!!!!!!!! i Love you sweet caretaker/ you have treated me with more love that i couldve imagined.... i love you mother.... i love you father, my brother,, i fell more for you than anyone else.let My legs be prickely let me forget to pluck my eyebrows,,, not remmeber to shave ... its okay. i still love you forever.

9/11/23: i think i'm ... doing so much better. these past three months have been such a huge tolls

8/22/23: ah,....hhh... i feel so emotionally burnout,, dont feel like inhabiting any intense sentiments at the moment... maybe another day. i wish there was more to do right now. i know things arent as bad as they feel but at the same time my heart is so numb, i cant seem to process how i truly feel when im face to face with something significant , something that would usually evoke a serious response from me. this disconnect is rooting through so many areas of my life, most likely worsening my anxiety. but all i can do is work and procrastinate other work i have to do.

8/20/23: im going on a roadtrip with my partner soon, to michigan,, working, fuck, everything, is . hard to process.

8/19/23: was going to wait to get a page outline going before i started logging but i decided against it. everything feels weird.. i moved out my mattress out today, my dad was hurt, my mom is hurt, i seem to hurt everyone because they don't care to consider let alone understand my needs. it doesnt feel good, when your sibling is the ideal child your parents wanted, but is also leaving your family.. i feel like the obligations placed upon me are greater than ever... he is contributing to a genuine community and constructing a beautiful monument , all while i am having trouble handling my emotions and navigating even the next day . but at the same time i know better than this, to let their voices take over mine, to be unfair to myself in this way, i know better. its just been hard spending so much time around them , even if its not aas much as before, human brains aare weird in that way.